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Tired of fucking fighting

When I left that day in February 2012 you left with me when I walked out that door. We have a child together and after I left you never once told me you loved me or missed me and you thought I hurt you? No, sir you have hurt me more than anyone in my life has ever hurt me and I still continue to let it happen Why? who knows. I’m a idiot.. I thought we would work it out, no. Now, whenever I talk to you, you constantly cut me down and get so defensive well you’re not only hurting me but Haylie. I think about being a family every day and I know that, that is no longer an option. I am so hurt and honestly feel like ending it all sometimes. I am so tired of fighting and cutting one another down and I don’t understand why we can’t just get along. It hurts so bad to see you and I wish I didn’t have to anymore. I wish that this was as easy for me as it is for you. I wish I could feel what you feel, which is absolutely nothing. I know people keep telling me that it’s going to get better with time and that eventually I’ll find someone who will treat me that way that I should be treated but honestly I don’t think I could bare going through another relationship and having it end. I know that you’re going to end up moving on very soon and whenever that day comes my heart will once again shattered in two and never be whole again. Why I still care? Only God knows. Why I still love you? Only God knows. If I could drop everything that I ever had with you, trust me I would. I pray every night for something to give. My Dad told me that no matter how nice to people like you that it will never be good enough. Like, you can’t be 100% happy because you go to an empty house everyday which I really don’t think that bothers you come to think about it, because you were by yourself for so long before me I don’t think it does. I used to tell myself that you actually did care but in all honestly I was believing something that compared to a fairy-tale. I will be in this battle with you for the next four years of Haylie’s life and I am dreading it all the way. Honestly, you did what was best for Haylie because our relationship was far from normal and I don’t even know why I’m writing all of this…

I give up, on you.

I give up, I give up, I am done.

wish I could .. nevermind.

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“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” – Bob Marley (via justalittlebitofgrace)

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